connection dream

first, I am realizing how connected I am with everything in existence, how connected everyone and every(thing) is... all alive with molecules and atoms and cells of different sorts, spirit cells, everything is woven and needful of everything else. a fly is crucial to the existence of the life cycle- I can't believe in hierarchy because we are all dependant equally.

dream last night- another ancestral one, maybe, but then ancestry is what? everything is related, maybe, somehow. in breath, ether, strange physicality...

last night, elation/disturbedness interlocking. in Norway, or Astoria, Oregon- anyway, a place where there was a Norwegian camp, a building with rooms, hotellish, with Norsk flags on the doors. I saw old relatives of mine meandering in and out, people I hadn't met in the flesh, people from a long time ago, many generations leading unto now, and I felt so happy to be among them, to learn from them, to hear stories.

Then this Inuit man, like really old and weathered, wearing furs, was standing on the road in the sunny snowy way, and I was passing him on my way up to the camp. I looked him in the eye, thinking, he's beautiful, so many wrinkles, his face is like leather, he's so old, so close to elements, but he wasn't content. His mouth was black. Like dead black and I was scared. Frostbitten black. I felt I should look him in the face but I was too scared and kept walking toward my "imagined" ideal-

Disturbed now along my path.

I guess I am going through a phase again. This obsession with unpeeling myself and becoming what I feel is under my skin, not letting my skin and superficial habits get in the way of my growing. I do not call trying to understand my roots regressing, but perhaps the way I am doing it is a but imaginary... what do I not want to admit to myself? what am I afraid of?

I think I am being overly idealistic.

I don't know what I think of humanity anymore. I vacillate so much between the beauty of human capabilities and the devastation humans are capable of, and how much of it has happened with our so-called spiritual evolvution. I can't help but think that animals and plants have caused a lot less death and destruction to the beauty and naturalness of nature. Then there's that argument- "well, it's all natural, we are humans and part of everthing, so smoke stacks and world wars are a part of the bigger picture." But... I can't help but think it's Stupid anyway.

Everyone seems to think we are progressing, just because we have brains and intellect and the capability to grow beyond what we have ever known on earth- beyond animals, beyond tribal peoples... but so far, on this road to progression, we are disconnecting ourselves more and more from reality.

I think Spiritual growth is different, listening intuitively to the self beyond self, paying attention to dreams, becoming as lightened and peaceful a human as possible, but I wish people would quit thinking we are on the way to this marvelous reality just because miracles like computers have been invented to communicate globally, etc. I think it's neat and uselful, but I don't think ... never mind.

happy though, just disturbed by walking dead intuit.