Samhain

Now I am not strictly a Pagan or anything, for that matter.

But I gotta say that at this time of year, it really feels as if we should recognize the dead, our ancestry, and also to prepare for the coming winter... just feels right. thoughts come up about mama, grandpa, opa, s, k, J, J-L, e, etc and all the other dead who have touched my life deeply. I don't need remembrance day to tell me to remember those who went to war for their country. but I will remember those who died who went to war against their will... and those who got killed by others defending their country.

but there is a personal dead which does not get such grandeur of recognition, who may have been just as noble, if not nobler, if noble is the question at hand.

tonight my son and I did a lot of dancing, tambourining, laughing, playing, watching of candles illuminating our personal dead, singing, being together. watching leaves fall in black winds. thanking the food we ate. being aware of the moment in its reality.

it seems important and forgotten. everyone we know is having a different sort of fun- candy, makeup, costumes, parties, alcohol, thrills, horror movies, trick or treating, which is good and releasing in its own way... but I can't help but long for someone who wants to get down to earth with me, to the spirit worlds, to the animal worlds, to nature, to the essence of the scorpion shadow that hovers. there is a reason these celebrations were invented, and it isn't just that...

which brings me back to Home- my cousins and aunt back home. they would listen to crazy finnish, norwegian, swedish folk music with me, go crazy dancing to bjork, sing old beautiful songs in harmonies, fling our hair around, make up "random music" on the spot (not Jamming- really creating intricate melodies ina non-rock-ish way) with violins, Irish drum thing, harps, flutes, tambourines, and of course angelic voices. and it used to move! like really move. poetry would be recited, dark and ironic. total laughter everywhere. shrieking, but in a good way. the intellect and soul and heart would combine through our family blood and bring us together, rosy cheeked, warmly by fireplaces and woodstoves. food would be made. just Pure awesomeness. I am not sure I will find that again. I must.

I am thankful I have such an amazing family, even if they ar many thousands of miles away.

basic

yeah, I am trying to reconnect my head with the rest of my body. that's why the writing is being more basic. I am (perhaps temporarily) letting go of overintellectualization too.

it's true, like Marion Woodman said, that when you live above your body, you can get a rush when you realize new things, ideas, even recognizing new spirits around you, new elements of life. but until it's you in your body recognizing it, it's just a temporary rush. Chris has told me over and over... "you don't NEED to think of that stuff s much". And it's true. I am not a better person for using my brain so much. why must I constantly try and surpass myself, whether spiritually, intellectually, or otherwise? can't I just grow truly and love freely with my whole self?

there is nothing to prov. in my soul, I am quiet. I am a quiet person. I do things quietly and diligently in my ideal life. twilight, pre-dawn... that is my spirit.

I think we are ocnditioned to be right at noon constantly. unchanging, unmoody.

the medicine wheel has a bunch to offer us all, methinks. change, wheeling around the center of nonchange. nature is change and nonchange at the same time.

I think it's raining, but not outside.

mother who is still here somehow

afterlife

not sure what is the afterlife, but I sure feel I communicate with the dead a lot. well, the dead I know, some of my best friends. not only authors and artists and others who have made themselves available to people like me... but family members whom I think of regularly, still trying to figure them out. of course things get distorted slightly, perhaps idealized, but the essence is here. my mother, for instance. an enigma and too easily judged by peopl, too easily fathomed by those who didn't spend much time with her. she deserved a lot more love.

my other friend, her best friend, who died recently. again, deserved love more than I can express. she was/is loved, but I think she is one of the most amazing women. I really wanted to talk to her, and sent her a letter that she would have received a few days after she left.

I've been clinging to the present of late, trying to make this town my home, trying trying trying. it's not, not yet. I feel a bit sad when I think of my mother's garden way thousands of miles... now not there... I think of a whole 28 years in Ontario, knowing the rhythms like the back of my hand, the seasons,the waves, the temperature. I think it is silly to judge a place based on people alone. but people have power...

connections there are deep, my roots had a long time to grow.. they were growing under the lake. under the graves in my backyard. twining with old old big trees. I bet the roots are still there,even though some of them were cut down for mansions to rise.

I am not idealistic, at least, not unreasonably so. I don't lay hope in the hands of people who "get it". we don't know anything really.

all I know is I love my family, Chris and my little son. I know I don't need others to tell me who I am or what I should be grateful for.

belive me I am grateful.

I am letting go of something... but it is something I didn't realize. I don't need to let go of my past hom, my love of place, my ancestry, no matter how imperfect.

I need to seriously let go of my ego, my need for perfection. my need to charm. my need to be beautiful. it is very very thin and superficial. it is ruining my life and affecting others.

so relieved.