afterlife

not sure what is the afterlife, but I sure feel I communicate with the dead a lot. well, the dead I know, some of my best friends. not only authors and artists and others who have made themselves available to people like me... but family members whom I think of regularly, still trying to figure them out. of course things get distorted slightly, perhaps idealized, but the essence is here. my mother, for instance. an enigma and too easily judged by peopl, too easily fathomed by those who didn't spend much time with her. she deserved a lot more love.

my other friend, her best friend, who died recently. again, deserved love more than I can express. she was/is loved, but I think she is one of the most amazing women. I really wanted to talk to her, and sent her a letter that she would have received a few days after she left.

I've been clinging to the present of late, trying to make this town my home, trying trying trying. it's not, not yet. I feel a bit sad when I think of my mother's garden way thousands of miles... now not there... I think of a whole 28 years in Ontario, knowing the rhythms like the back of my hand, the seasons,the waves, the temperature. I think it is silly to judge a place based on people alone. but people have power...

connections there are deep, my roots had a long time to grow.. they were growing under the lake. under the graves in my backyard. twining with old old big trees. I bet the roots are still there,even though some of them were cut down for mansions to rise.

I am not idealistic, at least, not unreasonably so. I don't lay hope in the hands of people who "get it". we don't know anything really.

all I know is I love my family, Chris and my little son. I know I don't need others to tell me who I am or what I should be grateful for.

belive me I am grateful.

I am letting go of something... but it is something I didn't realize. I don't need to let go of my past hom, my love of place, my ancestry, no matter how imperfect.

I need to seriously let go of my ego, my need for perfection. my need to charm. my need to be beautiful. it is very very thin and superficial. it is ruining my life and affecting others.

so relieved.