2003- still

so death of someone you love...

when I can clear my mind enough, 6 years later, I feel slightly sick with missing her and am scared to think about her. even through those years of crying and trying to accept. funny.

I think it's nice though, it's love.

I don't think you ever "get over it". but it transforms, all the energy, as energy does... thought and soul energy too. becomes you in different ways.

the love is so strong in there, in my invisibility.

silent and vibrant at once.

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ancestry- this sudden recurrence of need to find out ancestry, landscapes of past lives, figure out why I feel so strongly about certain things. and then finding patterns. interesting.

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home inside one's body and spirit.

contentment despite what others tell you is spiritual... maybe there are some constants and some changeabilities, some collective onenesses, of course, and then the individual motives towards other parts of the spirit, or other spirits within...? what is a spirit?

because yoga, ki gong, taoist mindset and exercise all work for me... I have felt exaltation, light, essence, ether, love, connectedness, flows, blockages bursting or slowly eroding... physically and mentally and spiritually... maybe all one

there is also something on top of that... or within it... like Music, like earth, like nature and simplicity/complexity of survival, connections with other people and animals and plants, food, love, making babies... every part of ourselves can be used in this life. it's so great to acknowledge how well-rounded we are, if we choose it.

and sometimes clouds block the sun so you can appreciate it. I am not always afraid of clouds or night time. and whenever I am, maybe that's also good, in moderation...

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but with ancestry... when I was pregnant, Chris and I were living in the awful part of a crazy city, in an old apartment in an old house, listening to Pink Floyd, and I got all into a daze, thinking about my mama and suddenly I was her, I rose through her, up up up, I felt her, all her mistakes, all the crises which led to new crises within myself. and then afte rI rose through her skull and out, I entered my Oma, and felt her crises, etc... it made me cry a lot, then I began to rise up into my great Oma, and then I stopped, it was too much. but very helpful.

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i feel with my dad's side now, since 2005, i have been drawn magnetically to the mystery of them, because they were silent people, my grandfather and his kin, and you have to guess a lot. but things are makng sense and I feel really, really happy in these discoveries through Norge, Telemark, Vinje, Kragerø, Skafså, Denmark, Germany, Wisconsin... Stoughton, especially. I understand needs for pilgrimages.

ps the picture is Louis Moe Tusch/Indian Ink - from Carl Ewald-1906

"The girl who could keep quiet"